Most of my work is with young leaders just taking on their first managerial role. They come to me because they are struggling, as almost all young leaders do, and they want me to help them get the skills they need to do their jobs better. They want something quick and clear, a top ten list of items to implement in order to lead effectively. If it were only that easy.
Of course, skills are an important component of managing well, but they are only one component and they are almost never what determines effective leadership. Almost always, the struggle is in the mindset, in the not-yet-full embrace of believing in yourself and your ability to take on this new, challenging role. That is where the real work lies.
THE IMPACT OF BELIEVING IN YOURSELF
Believing in yourself affects everything you do. Everything. From your professional life to your personal life to your solitary life. In your relationship with yourself and in your relationships with others. In the choices you make and in the dreams you dream. How you view yourself, how you measure your value, how you assess your potential and how you determine your worth all combine to create the life you will live.
From your days as a student, the choices you make are determined by your belief in yourself. You choose your classes, your major, your training, your first job, your military branch, not just based on what you think you might enjoy but based on what you think you are capable of and even deserve.
Parents, guidance counselors, friends and neighbors may have influenced your belief in yourself by the judgement and advice they have given you- good, bad or otherwise. By ascribing certain schools as longshots or safeties based on their perception of your ability. By telling you which jobs you were qualified for or had enough experience in.
Sometimes these messages were shared with words like, “that’s a really hard school to get into” or “only the top students are ever chosen for that program.” Other times the message was more of a reaction, a look even, when you told someone you trusted what you wanted and hoped for. Their eyes, their smile, their surprise indicated their support or disbelief. You may be receiving these messages still.
When we internalize the messages we receive, we often give them more weight than we do our own beliefs about ourselves. We start to take on the identity others ascribe to us and make choices based on that identity. We believe the version of ourselves that others project, a version that often reflects their own beliefs in themselves. We let others determine our value and worth. We let others write our stories.
In other cases, we receive great support and encouragement from those around us. We are fortunate to be told, over and over again, that we are valuable and worthy and capable of oh so much. That we can do anything we set our minds to. That the world is ours for the taking and that we can live the life we choose. But then, we reject these messages and raise the voice inside of us that says, “What do you know?”
So wherever you are coming from, whatever messages you have been told, whatever voices you have chosen to listen to, you are in a position today, right this moment to tell yourself that you are worthy and valuable and filled with potential and that you believe in yourself. No matter what anyone else has ever told you, including yourself.
START BELIEVING IN YOURSELF BY BELIEVING IN YOURSELF
Too often we look at others and compare our worth to theirs. Or we look at our past and use it to determine our future. Neither of these has any bearing whatsoever on what your life can be. No matter how successful and talented you deem everyone else to be or how many times you think you have failed, when you believe that the future is whatever you choose to make it, that is exactly what it begins to be.
You will decide what jobs to apply for based on your belief in your ability to secure them and do them well. You will pursue promotions based on your belief that you have earned them and that you are ready for the next level. You will take chances, risks and opportunities based on your belief that they are valuable for your growth and that you are valuable and deserving of them. You will negotiate and ask for raises based on your confidence in doing so and your belief that the money is rightfully yours. You will learn to confront people and situations because being liked by others is far less important to you than being respected and liked by yourself and believing in your strength to do the right thing. You will lead with confidence and vision because you recognize how great you can be, even if your skills are not yet where you would like them to be.
BELIEVING IN YOURSELF STARTS BEGINS AND ENDS WITH YOUR MINDSET
And like everything else, it all starts with your mindset, with the conversations you have with yourself and the messages you choose to believe. You can tell yourself that you are simply not good at something or you can tell yourself that you can get better at anything you dedicate your energy to. You can talk yourself out of applying for a job you want because you think you will never get it, or you can prepare a powerful cover letter explaining why you are a fabulous fit for the position. You can tell yourself that you are just not good at public speaking or confrontation or Microsoft Excel or you can invest in your growth to get better at what will help you shine.
So how do you believe in yourself in moments or even a lifetime when you don’t? Some people will tell you to fake it until you do not have to fake it anymore. If that works for you, then do that. But more than faking it, I think being honest and starting exactly where you are is more effective. When I quite smoking, the most powerful advice I ever received was that all I had to do to quit smoking was to not smoke. Believing in yourself works exactly the same way. If you want to start doing it, you simply need to start doing it. It is a process and it may be slower and harder than you would prefer., but know that you will get better at it if you choose.
HOW TO BEGIN BELIEVING IN YOURSELF
1) To begin, take some time to write down what you know you are good at. Do not limit yourself to professional skills and don’t put any judgments on your list by labeling things as small or not that important. Write everything you are good at from parallel parking to pushups to making the world’s best pumpkin pie. Say them out loud to yourself. Share them on your social media. Use them to introduce yourself during the next icebreaker. Get in the habit of acknowledging and appreciating your gifts, skills and talents and sharing the news with others. Don’t minimize your gifts and accomplishments. Share them with the world proudly and often. Challenge yourself to come up with 20. And then later on 30. Get yourself up to 100. Or 1000. Just keep going. Keep going until you can say, “damn, I’m really something” and then go on some more.
If it is helpful, ask people you love and trust what they think you are good at. Do not do this before you make your first list and do not do it in lieu of it, but as a supplement to the one you make about yourself. To avoid generic or surface answers, phrase the questions as, “what would you hire me to do?” or “what would you pay me to do?” This will allow people in your life to think about what skills are most obvious and impressive to them. Add them to your list, even if you’re not quite ready to embrace them.
2) After you make your list, write down three moments in your life, from any point, where you have felt proud of something you did or said or accomplished. Again, don’t judge or diminish these. Be honest and take the time to remember them. What about these moments made you proud? How does it feel remembering them? What gifts and values were you accessing during them? How can you capture these feelings again and again and again? Add to your list as you remember more and more moments. Come up with three more and three more and three more after that. Share these moments with people you love, with your team at work, with your boss. Make them a part of your story. Share them with pride. Open the door for others to do the same.
3) Finally, make a list of statements or affirmations that are both true and maybe a little bit of a stretch for you. Statements like:
I am ________________________________________
I know I can _________________________________
I deserve ____________________________________
I am proud of ________________________________
I am capable of _______________________________
I believe that I _______________________________
I will _______________________________________
Come up with different prompts and different answers each time. Or repeat them as they are salient for you. Add more. Or do the same ones over and over again. Practice saying them out loud to yourself, in the mirror if it helps. Email them or text them to yourself. Put them somewhere you can see them. Be creative and try different ways to incorporate them into your life. Notice where you feel good and where you feel uncomfortable. Spend some time reflecting on why. Make it a habit. Push through when it feels slow or hard. Just keep on going. Whatever you do, don’t ever stop reminding yourself of who you are.
BELIEVING IN YOURSELF DOESN’T MEAN IGNORING CHALLENGES
To my naysayers and those who are used to focusing on what they believe to be wrong and in need of fixing, rest assured that believing in yourself does not in any way necessitate a delusion of self or a pretension of perfection. We all have our struggles and challenges. The reason I am advocating for this focus and dedication solely on strengths and self-belief is that too many of us already spend far too much time focusing on that which we feel we lack. Too often, those around us, both personally and professionally focus on these things too. I am not the least bit concerned that you are not spending enough time on these areas. In fact, my heart breaks when I think about how much you probably do.
So start doing something different. Start believing in yourself. Right this minute. I promise, if you keep at it and learn to fully embrace your own potential, you will begin to live a life you enjoy and are proud of. I believe in you. Now go start believing in yourself!
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