Cultivating a mindset of gratitude has numerous benefits for emotional and physical health. From gratitude journals to prayers to written thank you notes, the subject of gratitude is never far from discussions on happiness, wellbeing and health.
In the professional world, gratitude is similarly highlighted as a best practice when it comes to supporting and retaining staff. Professional gratitude comes in the forms of recognition, praise, celebration, raises and promotions and is of central importance to staff satisfaction, performance and retention.
Less frequently discussed, and just as important as saying thank you in the workplace, is the ability and art of saying no thank you. Learning when and how to do this effectively has significant impact on staff satisfaction, performance and retention in the same way recognition and gratitude do.
THE CHALLENGE WITH SAYING NO THANK YOU
Many people struggle with saying no in both their personal and professional lives for several different reasons. They may feel guilty or overly concerned about others liking them. They may lack confidence or a realistic belief that saying no makes someone rude, difficult or a bad employee.
If you have trouble saying no, the first step is understanding why. Where does this show up for you and how is it negatively impacting you? Are there ways it is also positively impacting you? What would be different for you if you could learn to say no? What is preventing you from doing so? You may consider working with a coach and/or a therapist to explore these questions further.
THE IMPORTANCE OF SAYING NO THANK YOU
When you say yes to everything, you are automatically saying no to other things. It may be your free time, your peace of mind or even your health. Never saying no has countless negative consequences. At work, this most commonly shows up as being overwhelmed with work, stressed and even burnt out. It may hold you back in your career as you are busy doing busy things that others have said no to while they work on bigger, more noticeable projects. This may lead to its own set of financial consequences. It often causes feelings of exhaustion, bitterness and resentment.
Saying no when it is appropriate and in many cases necessary, on the other hand, allows you to focus your time and energy on what is most important to you and what you most enjoy. It helps establish healthy boundaries and a reputation for being focused and confident. It affords you the opportunity to have voice and agency into your work as you set an example for those around you, amazed at your ability to professionally and positively say no.
THE ART OF SAYING NO THANK YOU
As with any other kind of communication, there is necessary nuance to when, to whom and in what way you should say no thank you. Just like you adjust your communication with one colleague versus another, your supervisor or someone you supervise, you will need to adjust how you say no and when depending on who you are saying it to. Some people respond to more direct communication, others prefer a little more padding, some want lots of details and some are overwhelmed by them. The examples below are meant to spark some ideas, and you will benefit most by using them as a starting point meant to be adjusted and customized to the nuances of each particular situation you encounter.
It is also important to note that, like with other workplace conversations and dynamics, you may have every right to say no, thank you and there may be negative consequences for you when you do. This is a decision you will need to make each and every time. Are the negative consequences worth sticking up for yourself? Is there something that can be done to mitigate the backlash? Do you really want to be working somewhere or for someone who should but chooses not to honor a perfectly acceptable no, thank you?
“No thank you”
You have heard it said that ‘No’ is a complete sentence. (For our purposes, let’s say ‘No, thank you’ is a complete sentence.) Many times, an explanation is preferable or even necessary but in some cases it is not. Sometimes, a simple no, thank you is all that needs to be said. No explanations, no excuses, no apologies.
This is a great response for requests or invitations for out of work events. If a colleague asks you to go out after work for a drink and you do not want to. Or someone asks you to join the company softball team and you do not have the time. Or someone is selling Girl Scout cookies on behalf of their niece and you do not like them (even Samoas, really?!). You are not obligated to do or buy or participate in any of it and you are not obligated to provide an explanation as to why you choose not to.
This is also a great response if someone asks you to do something outside of your regular work responsibilities. Like attend a networking event or represent the company at an out-of-town conference. Or join a committee or task force. If it is not required and you are truly given the option, a no thank you may be perfectly appropriate and effective here.
No thank you is also a great response when you are being offered a salary or a raise that is less than you deserve. In this case, you want to provide and explanation and state your case for the amount you want and deserve.
You can also use this strategy when colleagues come to you with gossip or other conversations you want no part of. What stronger response could there be in this case than a simple no thank you.
“Not right now”
You have seen the quote or some iteration thereof that “a lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.” This concept, captured in the Eisenhower Matrix, designates what is truly an emergency and what is an emergency only in the mind of the afflicted and/or the creator of said emergency.
Work days can be filled with other people’s emergencies and interruptions, and you can bear the brunt of those if you do not learn when and how to say no thank you. In this case, not right now is a great response when someone asks you to do something at a time that works for them but not for you. Whether it is a phone call, an email, a text, or a knock on the door, you are well within your rights to let them know that you cannot get to it now, but you can get to it when.
This is a strategy that can be extremely valuable with a procrastinating boss, but again, you will want to pick and choose when, how, and how often you use it. This can also be effective with colleagues who frequently come to you just to vent.
You may also want to employ this strategy when you need more time to think about something- a job offer, a request, a new project. Do not feel pressure to make a decision you are not ready to make. Let the person know how much time you need and make sure you come to an agreement about when you will let them know. And of course, then follow through.
“Next time if…”
Another strategy for those procrastinating colleagues in your life is to let them know that you cannot fulfill their request this time but that you would be happy to do it next time if… If you have more notice or if you are not so busy or if you are able to work together. Whatever your stipulation is, let them know you are happy to oblige when certain expectations are met.
This can also be effective if you are a supervisor and someone you supervise is asking for something just a little too late or at a time when you have been clear that you simply cannot provide it. Letting them know the stipulations for next time can help set up the expectation and hopefully encourage the person to adhere to it the next time the situation arises.
“I can do it but…”
If you are willing and able to fulfill at request but it will mean not completing another item on your to do list, a great way to say no, thank you in this situation is to say I can do it but…
This is particularly helpful if the person asking you to do something has also asked you to do other things. You can present your response as an opportunity to gain clarity on the priority of the tasks you need to do or even the opportunity to ask that one or some of those tasks be eliminated or delegated to someone else. Perhaps you ask for a deadline extension or additional support- whatever it is you need to get it all done.
“….”
Occasionally the best response is no response at all. This is a particularly helpful strategy if you have set a boundary and someone violates it or if they are expecting you to do something you are under absolutely no obligation to do. For example, if someone reaches out to you at night or on your day off and expects a response. Or you told someone when you would get back to them and they ask where the item is before then. Or when someone asks you for something you have already sent and/or shown them multiple times how to find.
Like every strategy, you want to be thoughtful about when you use this. There may be extenuating circumstances when you respond to something even when you do not have to and there will be other times when your silence is an appropriate and effective response.
PUTTING IT INTO PRACTICE
Showing gratitude to your staff and colleagues is essential for successful workplace relationships, performance and wellbeing. Learning how to say no, thank you is as well. There are countless situations where saying no is the best thing you can do for yourself, your team and your organization and you must learn how to do it despite any fears or discomfort you may have. Over time, it will get easier and as you start to reap the benefits of finally saying no thank you, any lingering discomfort will be well worth it.
This does not mean you will not experience any backlash, in some cases even significantly so. But you will learn to adjust over time based on the situation and the other person. Once you get comfortable with this, your ability to skillfully and artfully say no thank you will positively impact your work experience and may even carry over into your personal life as well. Like any other skill, it will take time to learn and grow and may be bumpy at first but work through those bumps and give yourself the opportunity to experience all of that good stuff on the other side.
