What Are You So Afraid Of?

Fear plays an interesting role in our lives. How dare we let it motivate us? How dare we let it into our decision-making, into our livelihoods, into our relationships? – Robert California

When I started my business, I created a list of the many different ways I could grow it. I brainstormed as much and as long as I could and  put my responses into a big old spreadsheet. The list was meant to be comprehensive, including both small and large undertakings that encapsulated the many different components of running a business. As the list grew, so did the columns in the chart, adding categories such as “anticipated cost”, “estimated amount of time to complete” and “potential benefit”.  It was the last column, though, more than any other, that determined which tasks I actually completed and which ones I struggled to even attempt. The last column, that influential last column was titled, “excitement in pursuing”. I assigned a number from 1-10 to each task to represent how motivated I was to complete it. A 10 meant that I was ready to go, and a 1 meant I really, really didn’t want to do it. The 10s were easily tackled while the 1s were a source of dread. Not because they were hard or because they were boring. If I’m being completely honest, the 1s were the items I feared.

As I began to work through my list, I started where I was most motivated and ready to go- with my 9s and 10s.  One of the first tasks I attempted was applying to be a conference speaker. My first application was accepted and I quickly got to work on my first presentation. I didn’t think much about it until people began asking me how I was able to do it. “Aren’t you scared to speak in front of a group?” they would ask. Or “Weren’t you worried about being rejected?” Or “How did you even know where to start?” And the truth was, I did not spend any amount of time- not even one tiny minute- worrying about being rejected or being scared to speak or thinking about how to get started. I simply did it. No fear. No problem.

Then there were my middle of the road tasks- my 4s, 5s and 6s. These were items that I wasn’t necessarily confident in, but I wasn’t dreading either. Mostly, these were the items that were out of my comfort zone because I did not know much about them. I did not avoid them, per se, but I wasn’t really motivated by them either. Once I completed my higher numbered tasks, I tackled this group and did so without much concern, thought it did take a lot of time. 

And then there were my 1s and 2s. The items that nearly paralyzed me. These were the items I dreaded, the ones I struggled to confront. These were the tasks I feared. I avoided them and avoided them until I could not avoid them any more. All of the other items on my list were done. It was time. So I tried. And I tried. And I really tried again. Again and again and again. I used all the tricks I knew- I solicited accountability partners and set deadlines and got all the tips I could from other people who had been successful. But none of it worked. Not because those things don’t work. But because those things only work when you believe that they can. In my mind, I didn’t believe that they could. I told myself that these items were scary and that I was afraid, so I believed they were scary, and I acted afraid. To do my first webinar. To post my first video. Despite the potential benefit of doing all of these, I was not able to get myself over the story I kept telling myself about why they were to be feared.

After several failed attempts, I knew I had to dig deeper. I set up a session with my coach. I reflected and journaled and processed. I talked to other people and listened to my favorite inspirational podcast. And it finally became clear. So clear, I can’t believe I didn’t realize it before. Because it was simple. So incredibly simple and so incredibly hard. 

I was creating my own fear.

The list and the way in which I coded it was from my own perspective, and mine alone. The numbers represented what I thought about each item and how I interpreted their level of difficulty. There was nothing inherently easy or challenging about any of the items on my list. There was nothing inherently scary or terrible about any of the items on my list either. They were only scary when I decided they were scary. And not everyone made that decision. The items I feared most caused almost no fear in others. On the flip side, the items that caused me no fear at all- my 9s and 10s- were a deep source of fear for others. Because, just as there is nothing inherently scary about speaking at a conference, there is nothing inherently scary about hosting a webinar or posting a video. They are all neutral actions. They only become scary when we tell ourselves they are scary.

And this is how fear works. Yes, there are natural, survival mechanisms that allow us to sense and avoid danger. These are obvious, life-threatening situations that are minds and bodies naturally react to with fear in order to protect ourselves. But public speaking and online videos are not life-threatening. Yet in our own minds, we treat them as such. The question is, why?

As it turns out, accountability has a lot to do with it. It can be empowering to accept that we are the ones responsible for our thoughts and feelings, but it can also be challenging. It is far easier to externalize and blame others for what happens to us. It absolves us of all responsibility to simply claim that public speaking is, by its very nature, scary. It is far harder to look inward and ask ourselves why we have decided that public speaking is scary. Do we have an experience that we reference to predict all future experiences? Have we heard of other people’s scary experiences and taken them on as our own? Have we bought into the common rhetoric that public speaking or snakes or haunted houses are scary by nature?

Any of the above may be true, but the deeper truth is that our thoughts create our feelings, and it is the feelings associated with the thoughts that really scare us. When we fear something and avoid it, we are not avoiding the actual act. We are really avoiding the feelings we derive from it. In the case of public speaking, perhaps it is the feeling of embarrassment or vulnerability or that we are being judged that we really fear. Whatever it may be for you, it is important to understand that it is the way you are interpreting the experience, not the experience itself, that causes your feelings around it. You are responsible for your feelings because you are responsible for the thoughts you have that create those feelings. This can work for you or against you, depending on which you choose.

To examine your fears, it is important to examine what thoughts you are thinking and what feelings they are causing for you. When you think about public speaking, what about it scares you? What is the feeling you associate with that?

When it comes to your fears, once you understand what you are thinking and why, the next step is to think different thoughts. When you shift your thinking, you can shift your feeling. For example, when you think about public speaking, your thoughts may center around what would happen if you froze and everyone laughed at you, causing embarrassment and shame. But you can shift your thinking and focus on how great of an opportunity it would be for you to share your message with a larger audience, causing feelings of satisfaction and joy. Or how brave you are for facing your fear, causing feelings of pride and happiness. That’s all it takes. A shift in perspective. We get to decide how we think about something and we get to decide how we feel about it. How cool is that!

I don’t mean to imply that this shift is easy or quick. Many of us have lived with our fears for a very long time, and we have been telling ourselves the same stories about these fears over and over and over again. One quick exercise won’t change all that. But it is a start. And as we know, starting is often the hardest part.

What are you afraid of? Choose the biggest one. Or the one that negatively impacts your life the most. Or all of them.  And go through the exercise of identifying what thoughts you tell yourself about what you fear. Then, examine what feelings these thoughts cause for you. Then, create the new thoughts you want to have about this fear and the new feeling(s) you want to associate with it. Do it again and again and again until you are able to physically face that fear and take away its power once and for all.

At the core of our decisions and our lives, fear plays a role far too important than benefits us. Too often, we let our fears hold us back from what we really want to do and who we really want to be. The good news is, we have the power to lessen the grip that fear has over us simply by doing the work necessary to change our thinking. Are you ready to begin?