My college years were filled with wonderful friendships, impactful learning and lots and lots of late nights. When I graduated, my first job required me to not just to be present at work, but be raring and ready to teach a group of high school seniors at 7:20 in the morning. It was a giant adjustment to my body and my schedule, and every morning felt like a struggle. When I complained to my parents- both teachers- they assured me that my body would get used to it. It never did.
In my next position, advertised as a 9:00-5:00, I asked the director if I could work from 10:00-6:00 instead, embracing the fact that early mornings just weren’t my thing. She said yes. I have asked for this repeatedly throughout my career and the answer has always been yes. This never would have been offered to me, of course, but I never would have expected it to be. I realized early on that I had to ask for what I wanted. And if the answer would have been no, I was in the position to take the job with the stated hours or find something else.
When I was offered different jobs throughout the years, I understood that I would never be offered the maximum compensation package- I would have to ask for it. This is simply how it works, despite my strong aversion to such a system. But I had a choice, and so do you: complain about the system or use it to your advantage by asking for what you want. I have not always been successful in asking for more money- though I often have- but I have always been successful in asking for something. Whether it’s more vacation days or a flexible schedule, I have always walked away with a better offer than what I was presented. I would most certainly not have gotten this any other way but by asking.
As I continue to build a business for the very first time, having to ask for what I want has played out repeatedly and consistently. When I didn’t know where to begin, I asked other small business owners for their stories. When I was building my online presence, I asked friends and family to follow me. When I wanted to start delivering workshops, I asked community agencies what they needed. When I was building my brand, I asked conferences if I could present. When I was ready for paying clients, I asked former employers if I could coach their young leaders. I asked and I asked and I asked and I simply keep on asking.
There have been several powerful discoveries for me throughout this process. Here are a few:
THE ANSWER IS USUALLY YES
Not always, of course, but often. More often than not. I have been successful in getting a better schedule, more money, higher discounts,more followers, better contracts, new clients and more speaking engagements simply by asking. When fellow burgeoning coaches ask me how I am able to speak at so many conferences- the most visible aspect of my work- I am honest in telling them that I simply ask and apply. No name recognition, no previous conference-speaking experience (initially) and no shame in picking up the phone or sending an email and applying. I haven’t been rejected yet, though I’m sure someday I will be. And that is perfectly fine because
THE ANSWER IS SOMETIMES NO
When the answer is no, there is equal value in having asked. I have been denied higher compensation packages and have turned down jobs as a result. I have been denied a raise and left a job as a result. I have been passed over for a promotion and left a position as a result. These have all led me away from situations that did not serve me and brought me closer to ones that do. In the cold calling days of my business, I was rejected a lot. More often than not. Which I’m also grateful for because I realized that
IT MAKES YOU STRONGER
Like a lot of young professionals, I was immature and insecure early on in my career. I did not take feedback well and had a hard time admitting mistakes. Any rejection was taken personally and sent me to a place I’m not proud of. Now, after years of growth combined with a strong desire to do better, a No stings for a minute and then I move on. I simply don’t have the time and energy for anything else.
One such No remains with me, not because of the damage it caused but because of the lesson it taught. After securing a number of contracts with various agencies, I continued reaching out cold to seek presentation opportunities. This one particular agency not only rejected me, they practically hung up on me. They quite emphatically did not want to work with me. They let me know that in no uncertain terms, 12 ways to Sunday. And do you know what I did? I laughed. I laughed because it was funny, because I had seven other calls to make that day and because after increasing experience with rejection, I knew
IT’S NOT PERSONAL
Many people wiser than I will tell you that nothing is personal. This can be hard to embrace even if we believe it to be true. In the case of the awkward phone call, I knew it wasn’t personal because the organization I called didn’t know me at all. Why they so passionately did not want to work with me, I’ll never know, but I don’t need to. It wasn’t personal. It never is.
In another situation, I had been working consistently with an organization to support their staff whenever they were promoted to supervisor. At one point, management changed over and when a new staff was promoted to supervisor, nobody asked me to coach them. I could have taken this personally, making all kinds of assumptions about their not wanting to work with me anymore. Instead, I reached out and asked why. As it turns out, the information did not make its way over to the new management team. Once it did- because I asked- I was right back on track and continue to work with them to this day.
In any line of work, there are lots of options, and people choose who they work with for a myriad of reasons, most of which we will never know, and few of which will have anything to do with us personally. Not everyone likes the same chain of pizza or grocery stores or shampoos. You simply need to connect with the people who want to wash their hair with your shampoo. Plus, they may not want your shampoo today but that doesn’t mean they won’t want it tomorrow because
IT TAKES TIME
Early on in my business and in moments still today, I feel impatient when I don’t hear back from a potential client or when it’s summertime and my business is in its ebb state. I want everything to come together the moment in which I want it to come together, which of course is not how it works. Clients, like all people, operate on their own schedule to fulfill their own needs. They are not concerned with when our rent is due or that we are in the midst of a particularly slow month. They are ready to work with us when they are emotionally, physically and financially ready to work with us. It might be the week after we meet, or it might be months later. Even years. In many cases, it will be never. But we cannot know when and where and with whom our efforts will bear fruit, so we just keep on planting. And no matter what,
IT BUILDS RELATIONSHIPS
Asking questions is one of the most powerful ways to build relationships. This is as true personally as it is professionally. In my latest move to Baltimore, I didn’t know anyone, and working from home made meeting people challenging. In my early days, I remember lamenting how lonely I was and how I just wanted someone to grab a beer with me. I wanted someone else to make it happen, but how could they? Who in the world was going to knock on my door and invite me out? No one even know who I was. So, I asked to join meetup groups and church events and reached out to people I began meeting at festivals. It took time, courage and a lot of awkward moments, but I know for a fact I’d still be sitting on my couch, lonely if I hadn’t reached out to ask.
When I was first starting my business and was loathed to attend networking events, the best advice I received was to keep the conversation focused on the other person by asking a lot of questions. I employ this strategy still in both personal and professional situations, and it never fails. People really, really like talking about themselves. The key is, to be sincere. Feigned interest is neon obvious and creates a worse impression than not having talked at all. So be legitimately curious about other people. Learn about them and connect with them by asking interesting and thoughtful questions. You’ll learn far more than you will by prattling on about your own life.
Further, when you learn the skill of asking,
IT MAKES YOU A BETTER LEADER
Long gone are the days of bosses wagging their fingers and leading through fear and power. (And thank goodness for that!) We know that people don’t respond to this type of “leadership” and that they want to be equal partners in their own growth and development. They want to be coached, not bossed around, and an integral part of this process is asking people powerful questions. Help empower your team by asking more than telling. Ask them what their goals are. Ask them what they need to work on. Ask them what projects they want to take on and what skills they want to develop. Ask them about their working style and their preferred method of communication. Ask them how they like to receive feedback. Ask them how you’re doing as a leader. Once you make this shift, you will be amazed at the results.
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There is such great opportunity- more than you will likely ever realize- to do whatever it is you want to do, but there is almost never any way to make this happen without asking for what you want. It can be awkward and scary and unpleasant at first and possibly for some time, but I can promise you two things: 1) it will get easier and 2) you’ll never get what you want without asking. So, make a commitment to yourself and to the life you want to live and start asking for what you want. It’s yours for the taking if you simply ask.
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