MY LAST RESORT
I got a cat as a last resort. I had recently moved to Baltimore, and less than a month later, a family of mice moved in with me. In order to evict them, there was nothing I would not and did not try- traps, poison, peppermint spray, tears, plug-in noise repellant, and four visits from an exterminator.
I set traps with peanut butter. And then a little chocolate. Then peanut butter and chocolate, only to wake up in the morning to find the peanut butter/chocolate mix gone but no mouse in the trap.
After all of it, I caught one mouse and watched the rest each night run unabashedly across my kitchen floor. When I couldn’t take it anymore, I locked myself in my room, thought about moving, and made the decision to get a cat.
I never really liked cats but realized I disliked mice more, and that’s how Selina came to be- my tuxedo-style, slightly overweight, clingy, strange, meows-all-the-time last resort.
Slowly but surely, Selina and I got used to one another. We developed a type of routine with our sleeping, feeding and play times and respected each other’s space. Every few months, these routines seemed to shift and we adjusted accordingly.
One morning, I realized that, while I was taking care of Selina’s needs, I wasn’t doing much more than that. I fed and brushed her, cleaned her litter box and made sure she always had water but it was somewhat mechanical and detached.
I b
egan to wonder if she could sense that. Or if maybe she was bored. Or needed something else from me. I began to think about creating a better environment for her. After all, she was doing her job of keeping the mice away, she was on her 3rd home in as many years and I was, most certainly, grateful for keeping the vermin away.
So I went the store and got her some toys and treats as a token of my gratitude and appreciation. Through a process of trial and error (and far too many trips to Petco) I learned that she only really likes to play with string and bottlecaps and that she’s never met a treat she doesn’t like (though tuna is her favorite.)
Then I started to wonder about the treats. Was I only supposed to give them once in a while? Was I supposed to wait until she did something good? What was doing something good for a cat? Was it enough to reward her for not doing anything bad? Was it okay to simply do something nice for her because I could? Was there some sort of lesson to be learned by withholding the treats to show her who was boss? Was it better for both of us to shower her with thanks because she was doing her job and it made her happy?
THE MANY WAYS WE WITHHOLD APPRECIATION
Throughout my time leading and being led, I have come across so many- too many- situations where the treats were being withheld for any number of reasons.
* Like the time my boss told me he didn’t compliment my work because it was expected of me and it would be an insult to my competence.
* Like the time my boss told me she didn’t praise employees because it created jealousy and resentment among the other staff.
* Like the time my supervisor docked me points on my annual evaluation because she couldn’t give me a perfect score even though she had no other justification for doing so.
* Like the time I was denied a promotion because the other person had been there longer, even though I was told I was more qualified.
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OUR EXCUSES FOR WHY WE DON’T SHOW OUR APPRECIATION
When I think about the above examples and the many others I have experienced and heard, some themes emerge as to why we don’t show our appreciation as effectively as we should. This shows up in life as much as in our work. As you read through each theme, think of your work experiences over the years. Think of your relationships. Which ones sound all too familiar?
1) The belief- YOUR PAYCHECK IS YOUR REWARD
The reasoning- This is your job. You are paid to be here. You are doing what is expected of you and your salary is your reward. What makes you think you deserve something extra?
The truth- The paycheck will rarely keep me around. What matters to me is being able to do work that I am good at, that is valuable and that is valued. I need to know that you appreciate me and what I am doing. You are my supervisor and your praise and recognition matter. I need you to let me know you appreciate what I am doing, and my performance will show how much I appreciate you for doing so.
2) The belief– APPRECIATION NEEDS TO BE EARNED
The reasoning– Recognition should be reserved for when you go above and beyond. Doing your job is expected and therefore does not deserve praise or gratitude. If the job is not being done, action must be taken. If the performance exceeds expectations, we can talk. If you are doing what you are supposed to be doing, why should you receive appreciation for this?
The truth– I have dedicated my time, energy, and professional expertise to you. I want to contribute. I want to succeed. I want to share my talents. I could do all of this somewhere else. I choose to do it here. I need to know this is recognized and appreciated. If not, I will leave. Or worse, I will stay and not give my all.
3) The belief- MY APPRECIATION OF YOU IS A THREAT TO ME
The reasoning– If you do something well, especially if you do something better than me, what does that say about me as a leader? If you outshine me, how will that look to everyone else? If I praise you and do not take the credit, how will people know my worth? If a mistake is made, and I don’t deflect responsibility, how will I be able to protect my reputation? If you begin to outperform me, how much time will it be before you replace me?
The truth– Letting me shine is an effective and easy way to show your strength as a leader. Deflecting the praise and absorbing the blame shows you are humble and looking out for us. Recognizing what I have to offer makes me feel like a valuable and valued member of the team. I want to show you what I can do. I want to contribute where you are not able. I want us to learn and grow from one another. I have a lot to teach you too. Learn from me.
4) The belief- NO ONE APPRECIATES ME- WHY SHOULD I APPRECIATE YOU
The reasoning– You have a lousy boss who never compliments or recognizes you and you seem to be doing just fine. You are there to do a job and you are paid for doing it. You don’t need the recognition and you don’t understand why others should need it either. We are all adults. Not everyone gets a trophy.
The truth– I am not you. It may be true that you don’t want or need any recognition (though this is not the case for most people) but that doesn’t mean it isn’t important to me. As my supervisor, your job is to meet my needs and help me grow. I need appreciation and recognition to continue doing so.
5) The belief- I DON’T LIKE WHAT I PERCEIVE TO BE CONFLICT
The reasoning– It’s too hard to create a system that is deemed fair by everyone. Every time I try to praise one person, another person’s feelings get hurt. It’s too much time and energy to try and make everyone happy. It’s a lot easier to avoid the situation altogether and leave the praise and rewards out of it.
The truth– Strong teams are made up of strong individuals who want to be recognized and who want to recognize each other. As a strong leader, you create the environment where we work together and support one another. If you offer appreciation honestly and freely, we will reciprocate. Show us how it is done and give us the space to do it.
6) The belief- I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU
The reasoning– This is a job. You are here to work for me. Your role is to do what I say needs to be done. It is not my job to make you feel good. It is not my job to help you grow. It is my job to make sure you do your job. That’s why I pay you. Your growth and your happiness is your own business- not mine.
The truth– If you don’t care about me, why should I care about you? If this is just a job, why should I go above and beyond when it’s not even appreciated? If you show me you don’t care about me, why should I care about you and the work? Why should I bring my best?
7) The belief- I’M THE BOSS
The reasoning– I’m the one in charge. The way I run the team is my choice and my decision. This is not a democracy. I am the leader. How I choose to recognize you is not up to you. You are here to do the job I have hired you to do. When you are the boss, you can call the shots. Until then, you will follow mine.
The truth– I want to be a part of what is going on. I want to be included in the decisions that affect me. I want to feel like you are on the team with me. I don’t want to feel like you are above me. Lead me from the side, not from above. Let’s do this thing together!
SELINA AND LEADERSHIP
In the end, I am grateful for Selina. Though she wakes me up far too early in the morning and she sheds far too much than makes any logical sense, she does her job of keeping the mice away. I appreciate that and I want her to know it, so I buy her treats, and I throw her bottlecaps down the hallway so she can chase them (yes, she likes to play fetch) because I’m grateful. It is important to me that she knows that.
I wouldn’t dare compare your staff to a cat, but the message, I hope, is clear. You are in a power position when you become someone else’s supervisor. With this position comes the opportunity to do great work and the potential to do great harm. All of this will depend on how you treat, grow, acknowledge, invest in and appreciate your team. The choice is yours. How your staff responds to it is theirs.
The workplace of today is not the workplace of yesterday and will not be the workplace of tomorrow. It is all changing, and if you want to be effective, you need to change along with it. Long gone are the days of, “Because I’m the boss, that’s why.” Today’s staffs want to flatten your organizational chart and work beside you. They want to be a part of what is going on and they want to be appreciated for it. If you want them to stick around, you better start listening…
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