I started earning money when I was in the third grade. I would stop by a small beauty store every day on my way home from school and bring the owner a cup of coffee. She would give me $2 for the next day and let me keep the change. The next year, I got a job at our local clothing store. Every Friday night for two years, I would pick up plastic pieces and tags from the floor and then vacuum. After that it was a paper route and lots of babysitting until I could officially get a job on the books. Then it was an ice cream scooper, a grocery store cashier, a pizza deliverer, a waitress, a tutor and a library aide, all before graduating college.
I worked for loads of supervisors and bosses before and since entering the professional realm. I have had amazing experiences and horrible ones. I have been promoted and I have been fired. I have been commended for taking initiative and have been written up for being insubordinate. I have been praised for asking powerful questions and reprimanded for challenging authority. I have been recommended for greater opportunities and been rejected for higher positions. I have been thanked for requesting explanations and docked points on my performance review for being cynical and difficult. The supervisors I meshed with were thrilled to have me work for them and the ones who clashed with me considered me a nightmare. But I never thought to adjust anything based on the very different people I worked for. I was who I was, and as far as I was concerned, they could take it or leave it. Depending on which supervisor you ask, I was the best employee they ever had, the worst employee they ever had, or something in between.
When I became a supervisor myself, I worked in the same, ineffective manner with my staff as I had always done with my supervisors. I was myself, unapologetically and completely, every minute of every day with any and everyone I encountered. I did not cater or adjust my communication, working style or personality to those around me and instead expected others to cater or adjust to me and became frustrated when they didn’t. I thought that since I was a supervisor and finally had some leverage, I could be myself and others would have to figure out a way to deal with it. For those whose temperament matched mine, I was considered a wonderful supervisor. To those whose personalities clashed with mine, I was a headache. Over the years, I received several thank you notes from those I supervised, and I was cussed at by others. To this day, I stay in touch with several staff I have supervised over the years. Some wouldn’t reach out to me for all the free donuts in the break room. But I didn’t feel a need or reason to adjust accordingly. I was who I was, and they could take it or leave it. Depending on which staff you ask, I was the best supervisor they ever had, the worst supervisor they ever had, or something in between.
For a long time, I placed the blame on those around me. After all, I was the same me with everyone, and plenty of people appreciated that. The ones who didn’t, well, that was their problem. In the name of being true to myself, I stubbornly (and selfishly) showed up as myself, unapologetically and unconcerned with those around me. If you didn’t like my working style or my personality, that was your problem, not mine. I was good at what I did and if people found me difficult to work with, so be it. I was not about to change to please them. If they didn’t like me, that wasn’t going to hurt me. But it sure did hurt me. Over and over again.
In the end, I could no longer ignore the fact that this approach was not just bothersome to those around me- it was hurting me and my career. By stubbornly and selfishly demanding my own way and expecting others to adjust to me, I was presenting myself as someone who was stubborn and selfish and difficult to work with. I lost promotions because of it. I got lower raises because of it. I was even fired once because of it. After too many of these experiences, I was forced to realize that learning to work well with others was not being weak or denying my truth- it was professional survival.
Most of us understand that work, like the rest of life, is based on relationships. It took me a long time to appreciate how vital this understanding would be for my professional success and my sanity (as well as the sanity of those around me.) That I had to adjust those relationships based on who I was building them with. Once I realized this, my entire work life changed.
Too often, I would approach people with requests and suggestions that spoke to what I wanted and what I cared about. When they didn’t respond or agree, I would become frustrated and continue to plead my case. Almost always unsuccessfully, as it turns out. But that didn’t stop me from trying the same approach. Over and over again.
When I learned to speak with people about what they care about- their goals and values- these conversations began to end quite differently and much more successfully.
When I first became a supervisor, I implemented my ideas and style. I communicated with each staff the way I preferred to communicate and praised them in the way I liked to be praised. I divided the work up equally because I wanted to be fair. It worked really well for some and it was an utter disaster for others.
When I learned to treat my staff as the individuals they were, everything changed. I learned how to communicate more effectively with each one. I learned how to recognize them in the way that resonated with them. I delegated based on skill and interest.
Some say that adjusting ourselves for others is a way of putting their needs before our own or of hiding who we really are. I used to think this too. But what I have learned over the years is that relationships are everything and they are hard, and they require work on everyone’s part in order to be successful. It is selfish and ineffective to expect the world and the people in it to cater to us when we have no intentions of catering to them. When we act the way we want to act and speak the way we want to speak and work the way we want to work without taking anyone else’s needs into consideration, we create a space that only those exactly like us will want to occupy, and this is not how successful teams and organizations are built.
Although we try very hard to pretend otherwise, our work relationships are not altogether different from our personal ones. People want to be respected. People want to be heard and seen. They want to be cared about. They want to spend their time doing something that matters. They want the chance to show off what they can do best and be recognized for it. And what this all looks like will depend entirely on the individual. It is utterly foolish to pretend otherwise.
Like our other relationships, our work relationships must take others’ needs into consideration, whether they work above, below or beside us. We don’t get to be disrespectful because our name shows up higher on an organizational chart. We also don’t get to be silenced when it is lower. We need to embrace and embody the fact that everyone deserves respect and that everyone is different. To be successful at work, to be successful at life, we absolutely must be successful at the relationships that comprise it.
If you find yourself in a similar situation where you are frequently having difficulties in your work relationships, it is time to stop blaming those around you and start taking ownership of your own decisions. In a way that does not compromise your values or your voice, you must learn to work effectively with other people. This does not come easily- and for many it does not come naturally- but that is not an excuse to forgo trying. Showing those you work with that you are making an effort to build respectful relationships with them will be far more successful than trying to prove how right you are all the time. If you really want to grow as a professional and an individual, start by working on your relationships with those around you. It is some of the hardest, most important work you will ever do.
