This semester, I am teaching an English for Professional Leadership class- a true coming together of my worlds. In our latest lesson, we focused on conflict resolution and problem solving. As I do with my native English speaking clients, I differentiated between confrontation and conflict, extolling the virtues and necessity of confrontation. Over and over again, I reiterated that confrontation is not negative but instead inherently neutral with great potential for positive results.
“If confrontation is so positive”, one of my students asked, “why is confrontational considered a negative word?”
Out of the mouths of students…
This opened the proverbial floodgates. We spent the rest of the class discussing why this might be the case. What this might say about cultural practices and beliefs when it comes to confrontation. What confrontation looks like in the United States and in its workplaces. We dove into Erin Meyer’s work on cultural communication as it relates to confrontation. It was a wonderful discussion, if I do say so myself, and one that has been on my mind ever since.
It is common to hear people say they just don’t like confrontation as an explanation or excuse as to why they are not addressing something that needs to be addressed. Unfortunately, leaders are not immune to this. They frequently say the same words or speak them through their actions, avoiding important discussions that need to happen out of fear.
The truth is, we all have a natural inclination toward a particular confrontation style, and avoiding is one of them- quite a common one in fact. But like most things, we cannot rely solely on our preferred style or perspective when it comes to building relationships and working with others. To lead effectively, we must necessarily confront effectively, and this requires us to understand the different ways different people approach confrontation differently and adjust accordingly.
The five most common confrontation styles are:
- Competing (I want to win)
- Avoiding (I don’t want to talk about it)
- Accommodating (I want you to win)
- Compromising (I’ll meet you halfway)
- Collaborating (I want us both to win)
(If you’d like to take a quick, not at all scientific quiz to see which one you are, go HERE)
At first glance, it may seem like collaborating is the way to go, but like most everything in leadership, it depends.
When it comes to getting a raise you were promised, or advocating for yourself after being harassed or discriminated against, it makes sense that you should look out for yourself and incorporate a competing style of confrontation.
Similarly, avoiding or accommodating may look like copouts, but there are situations where these would be the best course of action. If, for example, you have an employee who always does their job well, has been with you for a long time, and is a central part of your team, it makes sense to incorporate an avoiding confrontation style the one time they are late or miss a deadline. Or if you have a colleague who is really passionate about something with which you disagree but do not really care that much about, it might make sense to adopt an accommodating style.
How we successfully confront anyone about anything necessarily depends on: who the other person is, what the situation is, what your relationship is, what you hope to accomplish out of the confrontations, and any other relevant details pertinent to the situation.
Which brings us to your boss. How in the world do you confront your own boss?
It depends.
Customization is key in any professional interaction you have so you want to be thoughtful and customize your approach when confronting your boss. Before that, though, you need to really think about what you are hoping to accomplish with this confrontation. You have a level of understanding when it comes to how your boss operates. Will confronting them about this situation only end up making things worse? What is the potential upside and what is the potential downside? Not all bosses are great or even good, and some are petty as hell. Take care of yourself always and make the best decision for yourself and your career.
If you decide the pros outweigh the cons and you are ready to confront your boss, here are some helpful questions to consider as you prepare:
- What is your boss’ go to confrontation style? How can you adjust your style to best work with theirs?
- What is the best way to notify your boss of the confrontation? (e.g., do they like you to schedule something on their calendar? Do they prefer that you just pop in? Will they want to know details ahead of time?)
- Should anyone else be present? (e.g., HR, someone else involved in the situation).
- What is the end goal you are hoping for? Is this an end goal your boss has as well? If not, how can you articulate what you are hoping for in a way that aligns with what your boss cares about?
- What “language” does your boss speak? (i.e., in addition to their preferred confrontation style, what is their communication style? Is it better to be direct? Is it more effective to “grease the wheels” first? Do they like it short and sweet? Should you plan to be there for a while?)
- What are you asking of your boss? (Is this simply sharing of information? Are you asking them to do something for you or give something to you? Do you need help solving a problem or making a decision? What do you need from them? Note that anything that makes their job easier is generally very well recieved!)
- What will you do if you don’t get what you want?
It’s impossible to predict how someone will react and it is impossible to prepare for every possible scenario. However, you want to be as thoughtful and prepared as possible to give yourself the best chance of having a successful confrontation.
Confrontation can be tricky in any situation. When there is an inherent difference in power, as in the case with a boss and an employee, it can be even trickier if not outright risky. When it comes to confronting your boss, there could be occasion to use any of the 5 confrontation styles depending on the situation and your relationship. Whichever style you employ and however you choose to conduct the confrontation, know that you cannot predict nor control the outcome. You can do everything “right” and not get what you want. You may even be punished for it, implicitly or explicitly. In some cases, you may decide the punishment is worth it.
The hope is always that you have a boss who is understanding and fair. The reality is that that is not always the case. Knowing what you know, proceed in a way that you feel good about even if it is scary.
Being confrontational is not a personality trait. It is a skill that can be learned like any other skill. Keep practicing. Using your voice and advocating for yourself can be hard, and honing those skills is essential in getting what you want.
