A lot of people do not like conflict. It is pretty common to hear people admit out loud that I am just not a confrontational person, and there does not seem to be much shame or pushback in their declaration. On the contrary, there is generally affirmation and agreement. Much like saying you do not like going to the dentist or sitting in rush hour traffic.
When it comes to work, people carry these feelings about confrontation with them. In the name of politeness and teamwork and, depending on the situation, hierarchy, we tend to defer to agreement for fear of upsetting others or coming across as harsh or critical. There are several complex factors that contribute to this including culture and upbringing and expectations around gender, race, and age, to name just a few. And of course, there is great variation among individuals and groups of individuals and even defining what is considered confrontation varies from individual to individual and group to group.
The clearest sign that your team or someone on it is not comfortable disagreeing is that they never disagree. Despite the seemingly peaceful idealism of constant consensus, lack of disagreement is actually quite harmful. For starters, it is rarely if ever real. Have you ever tried to get a group of people to agree on anything, even something seemingly small or inconsequential? People have opinions and strong ones at that about everything, from what movie to watch to what pizza toppings to get to what color to use on the company’s new logo. Getting everyone to agree is no easy feat, so when everyone appears to agree quickly and easily without discussion or disagreement, it is likely what Patrick Lencioni refers to as artificial harmony.
People hold back their disagreement for a lot of reasons, none of which is positive. They may not feel invested in what is being discussed and therefore do not feel it is worth their time or energy to contribute. They may not trust that their opinion will be heard or taken seriously so instead will choose to withhold it. They may not have had enough time or information to really think about the idea to formulate a well thought out response. They may have a higher-up in the room who has made it clear explicitly or implicitly that they are not really looking for honest responses.
There is also an interesting phenomenon called the Abilene Paradox where people go along with the group because they do not want to be the only one disagreeing only to find out that everyone disagrees but no one wants to be the only one disagreeing. Wild, right?
Whatever the reason or reasons that our team is not comfortable disagreeing, we know that we are missing out because of it. We know that ideas become better when they are examined from different angles through different perspectives by different people. We know that we become better when we open ourselves to different opinions and ideas and listen to different perspectives from different people. Disagreements are an important part of these processes that lead to better ideas and growth. From the first airplane to the Apple computer to women’s right to vote, disagreements have lead to history’s most significant achievements, and they lead to our day to day achievements as well. As leaders we need to ensure these disagreements happen. We need to invite them, encourage them, model them, and engage in them.
Depending on your team and the individuals on it- and the dynamics change every time someone comes and goes- the process and the amount of time it will take your team to get comfortable disagreeing with you and with one another will vary. Like anything new and different, you will need to take your time explaining what you are doing and why. If you are a team who has essentially had no open disagreement until now, you are starting in a very different place than a team who has had lots of disagreement but of the sort that has been unproductive. Wherever you are, there you are, and you need to start there. Talk with your team about what you are doing and why.
As you ease into getting everyone on board, you are going to be the most important model. You are going to set the tone for how to disagree with others and how to respond when others disagree with you. If you cross a line or say something in a regrettable way, your response to atone for that will set the tone as well. Demonstrate the bumps along the way and how you are all learning and growing together.
Like all new things, some people will jump right in, others will need more time, and others still will need what feels like too much time. A good place to start for everyone is to depersonalize the disagreement. Instead of asking people what they think or what they disagree with ask more broadly, Whey might be a criticism of this idea? or What could potentially go wrong with this idea? It may seem like semantics, but it can make a big difference for people who have trouble with what they consider to be confrontation. Do this consistently so your team gets comfortable with the process and grows to expect it.
Start but offering up your own ideas. Share them ahead of the meeting or conversation so people have time to consider them and let them know that you will be asking for constructive feedback. Recognize and praise their contributions and acknowledge that it is hard. If it is true, acknowledge that it is hard for you too.
Clarify that learning to disagree is a skill, not a personality trait. Many people claim it as part of their personality, but it is ultimately a skill. Framing it that way helps people learn how to do it rather than throw up their hands as if there is nothing they can do about it.
They may never get to a point where they love disagreeing, but everyone can get to a point where they can learn to do it well and in a way that benefits them as well as others.
As a leader, how do you currently handle disagreement? What are your strengths and what are your challenges? How can you continue to grow with your team? What can you teach them and what can you learn from them? How does disagreement benefit you? How does your disagreement benefit others? How can you continue to improve your disagreement to strengthen yourself and your team?
