I just returned from presenting at my first national conference, a huge milestone for me both personally and professionally. With 175 different sessions throughout the weekend, the nearly 2000 conference participants had a lot of wonderful sessions to choose from. It was very important to me that those who chose to spend their time with me received great value and reward for doing so. I took great care in crafting my presentation, wanting to make the content engaging and powerful. I wanted to make sure my two-hour block was a meaningful and impactful one for the people who chose my session among the many other meaningful and impactful ones available. Recognizing the time, energy and money people invest in such conferences, I felt a deep obligation to make their selection and trust in me worthwhile.
As I dove into the presentation, nerves finally settling and confidence finally building, the first participant hand went up. More of a comment than a question (as is standard in such sessions), I felt compelled to address the concern. And then felt compelled to move on quickly as I had a lot of content to get through. But just as I returned to my presenation, a second participant hand went up. This time it was a question and one that sparked several other raised hands. It was related broadly to our topic of successful leadership, but not so specifically, and my instinct was to quickly acknowledge the question and get back to the content. Instead, the questions and comments kept coming, and I realized I had to honor the needs of the room. Instead of forcing what I had thought they needed, I finally succumbed to what they were telling me they needed.
I’ve experienced a similar phenomenon during my sessions when participants are asked to partner or form small groups for various types of conversations. I allot what I imagine is an appropriate amount of time for a healthy discussion, yet almost always struggle to get the group focused and back together again. In many cases, they can barely hear me over the abundant, important work being done. My scheduled, task-oriented self begins to get anxious, worrying that we won’t have enough time to get through the content I have so thoughtfully and meticulously planned. The content, I convince myself, that they came for.
The more and more workshops I facilitate, however, the more I have accepted that the content I provide, though valuable, is only a small part of the value to be had in these sessions. For leaders, in particular, these moments provide a much-needed opportunity to connect with other leaders in the field. The content around which they are connecting is often secondary. At first, I resisted this and continued pushing my agenda of content, content, content. After all, that’s what I thought I was being hired to do- provide insight, knowledge and expertise to those who were seeking it. But there came a point where I simply could not ignore what was so clearly and loudly in front of me. The people who were choosing to give their time and energy to my sessions were not doing so to simply sit back and listen. They were there to engage, with me, with the content and with each other. Mostly with each other.
The reason, I have learned, that people ask so many questions in these sessions and talk longer then I ever allow time for, is that they are hungry to share, connect, and engage with other leaders. Because leadership is powerful and important and hard and often, it is really, really lonely.
Harvard did a study a few years back, and found that roughly half of CEOs experience this leadership loneliness. Of these, a significant 70% believe it negatively impacts their ability to lead effectively. Yet at the time, and still, it is something we talk little about, particularly among those in positions meant for the confident, independent and strong. Managers up and down the org chart experience this leadership loneliness.
When you are a leader, you are often in a position to make difficult choices and engage in difficult conversations. Sometimes this entails telling someone they did not get the raise or promotion they hoped for or that their hours need to be cut or that they are about to be fired. Sometimes these conversations are about smaller, more subtle, but equally hefty situations. Often, these decisions and conversations do not allow for the transparency that would make them just a bit easier to absorb. An already difficult moment is made even more challenging, because as a leader, you may not be able to fully disclose the reasons why a decision is being made, allowing staff to create their own. These creations are rarely made in your favor. In these difficult moments, leaders may not have much- or any- outlet to share the reasons why. And they may have to bear the consequences of the unpopular decision alone, leaving them in an isolated, lonely place.
In addition to these common leadership challenges, middle managers, as opposed to CEOs, encounter the additional challenge of being caught in between those they supervise and those they are supervised by. Often being accused of favoring one over the other, middle managers must strive to serve and work effectively with two groups who often have differing, if not conflicting, needs. Those above and below often seek to obtain information about the other, yet the middle manager is charged with protecting such information in the name of confidentiality. This often puts middle managers in a position where they simply cannot win. Additionally, middle managers who are dedicated to doing their jobs well often find themselves giving great energy and intention to supervising well but often do not receive the same level of supervision from their own leadership, adding resentment to an already burdensome load of loneliness.
All leaders, like all other staff, need professional development. And all leaders, like all other staff, need a lot more than simple skill development. Learning leadership skills is the easy part, requiring little effort to find webinars, trainings, books and conferences to teach such skills. The harder, more meaningful component of leadership development is a lot more intensive and requires a far bigger investment. More than training, leaders need support and a lot of it. This support can and should involve one-on-one work with qualified coaches and mentors, but this is not enough. Leaders need to be in community with other leaders.
To help ease the loneliness of leadership, consider ways you can support your leaders by connecting them with other leaders both inside and outside of the office. Both in their respective fields and outside of them. There are certain nuances to leading in different industries and there are foundational similarities across these same industries. Create time and opportunity for your leaders to experience both. Not only will they benefit from the similarities in circumstance and situation, learning about leadership from different sectors may shed light on some new approaches and ideas not commonly practiced in their respective field.
Talking with other leaders is not just about getting practical solutions and ideas, however. A core benefit of connecting with other leaders is simply the connection. Knowing that others are experiencing what you are experiencing. Listening to other people’s stories, reinforcing that you are not alone. Being honest and vulnerable about the challenges you are facing. Hearing from others that they are struggling too. Building relationships with people you can talk with when you need to. Giving and receiving encouragement with people in similar situations. There is great value in these connections, and we should be more intentional in creating them for our leaders.
These opportunities can be as simple and cheap as you choose. They may also be as complex and expensive as you choose. You may decide to organize a lunch or coffee break with the leaders in your organization and give them time to discuss what is going on. You may reach out to other organizations and collaborate on a similar session. You may seek out leadership conferences where staff can network and connect with other leaders. Or enroll staff in local leadership groups and cohorts. You may choose to invest in group coaching for your leaders or bring someone in to facilitate a regular series. You may set up a system where every leader is paired with a mentor leader and eventually becomes a mentor to others. The options are vast and varied and can be explored to determine what best meets your needs.
As you continue to think about professional development for yourself and those you lead, continue to take advantage of all the wonderful webinars, trainings, books and conferences out there. Then go a step further and support your work with coaches and mentors. And be sure to find or create spaces where your leaders can connect and grow with other leaders. Alleviating some of the loneliness that leaders often feel can significantly increase their job satisfaction and performance.
Normalizing and naming this loneliness is an important first step. Doing something to alleviate it is an important and necessary second.
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