The most common reason organizations approach me for support is for help with communication- more specifically difficult conversations. Difficult conversations include a wide number of topics, addressing anything from poor performance to personal hygiene.
These are also commonly referred to as courageous conversations, which makes sense, because it certainly takes courage to have these difficult conversations. It is far easier to avoid them, as so many choose to do.
In my experience, when organizations reach out to me to help teach their staff how to have difficult conversations, they almost always do so with a request for skill development. The reason staff are not currently engaging in these difficult conversations, upper management frequently surmise, is that they simply do not know how.
The reality is often quite different.
In most cases, the reason these conversations are not happening is rarely because staff do not have the proper skills to engage in a difficult conversation. Yes, strategies and frameworks can be helpful, and trainings that aim to teach these can be extremely valuable, but not if the organization is not ready or willing to explore the real difficult conversation about why these difficult conversations are not happening.
Almost always, these difficult conversations are not happening because there is no trust.
Difficult conversations are by nature difficult even under the best circumstances. Even with the best tips and tools. Even with years of experience. But they happen anyway because the people involved recognize their importance and they have built up enough trust to engage in them.
In organizations and in relationships where that trust is not yet established, these difficult conversations become nearly impossible to have.
As an organization and as a member of that organization, before you start booking trainers to teach your staff how to engage in difficult conversations, it is essential that you have your own difficult conversation with yourself about why they are not. It is important that you examine the role trust is playing and what your role is within that.
Does your staff trust you as a leader and do they trust another that engaging in difficult conversations will be done in good faith rather than with ulterior motives?
Does your staff trust that having a difficult conversation will not be held against them?
Does your staff trust that the difficult conversation will be kept confidential?
Does your staff trust that the difficult conversation will lead to change?
Does your staff trust that their relationship can endure that difficult conversation?
These questions are essential to ask yourself first and then have the difficult conversation to broach them with your staff.
The obvious challenge is, if your staff does not trust you, why would they trust you to engage in such a difficult conversation?
The process to rebuilding trust is a long and slow one. It will take great time and energy on your part and to be successful, you must undertake it with sincerity and commitment. You cannot force it, and you cannot rush it.
Generally, the first step is to state out loud what most everybody already knows to be true- that your team and your work are suffering because of a lack of trust.
Next, you need to take accountability for your role in that lack of trust and extend an apology in both word and deed. The words are necessary here but not sufficient. You must back them up with your actions.
Then, you need to articulate your goal in wanting to create that trust and share why that is important to you, to the team, and to the organization.
And then, you need to do the hard, slow work of developing that trust.
This requires that you create space to really listen to your team about what experiences they have had that have led to the lack of trust you are currently experiencing. Depending on how dire the situation is, your staff may not be ready to have a conversation about this just yet. You may need to start with surveys or gather anonymous responses through a neutral party. However you begin the process, your plan should include what this process will look like in the short term and then in the long term. Once established, trust needs to be nurtured over and over and over again.
As you engage in these conversations, your staff will be watching you closely to see how you respond. Any indication that you are getting defensive or denying responsibility will end the conversation even as it appears they are engaging in it. You will need to demonstrate that you are willing to hear difficult things and not just say them while taking responsibility for your part in how things are.
After spending time (hours, days, weeks, as needed) listening and talking with your staff, you should work with them to strategize how you will rebuild trust (or perhaps build it for the first time). Again, this is a process and one that will take time, varying amounts for different members of your team.
You may consider bringing in outside help- facilitators, coaches, trainers- to work through some or all of this process. There are a lot of different ways to get to the same outcome. The main thing is that you commit to achieving that outcome. Your staff will know you are committed when they start to see positive change.
Difficult conversations by definition are never easy but they are made far easier when they are undertaken within an environment of trust. Before you jump to skill development around having these kinds of conversations, start with a deep, honest assessment of your organizational environment.
What is the current level of trust?
What has contributed to that?
Who needs to take accountability?
How can you (re)build that trust with your team?
How will you know when you have established that trust? What will you do to maintain and then deepen it?
Then and only then, should you start to work with your staff on developing the skills and strategies they need to have a difficult conversation. This will be much easier and much more effective, not just because you have worked to establish trust, but because you have successfully modeled exactly how it should be done.
