Since starting a business, my social media interaction has completely changed. Instead of scrolling to see what my friends are up to, I spend my online time cultivating my professional network, my tribe as it is often called these days. Consisting largely of fellow coaches and entrepreneurs, my feed is far fewer baby pictures and restaurant outings and far more life advice and motivational sayings. It is a large, active group whose posts are intended to motivate us to be our best selves. This approach is generally well-intentioned and often benefits those it seeks to help. At the same time, this bombardment of positivity and accountability is exhausting at best and deeply damaging at worst.
In today’s Instagram world, the gist of these empowering quotes is that we, and we alone, have the power to make our lives better. Messages focus on the consequence of whether our locus of control lies internally or externally. Ideally, we come to recognize that we, and we alone have power over what happens to us. It is shouted from daises coast to coast, plastered over Facebook profiles all over the world and punctuated by self-help books across the land.
These messages can serve us well, reminding us of our own power and potential. Too often, we doubt our own capabilities and live lives that are less fulfilling and rewarding than they could be if we simply believed in our worth and our gifts. Surrounding ourselves with people and messages that focus on positivity and self-improvement can strengthen us and help us grow. Listening to other people’s stories about how they overcame whatever it was they overcame can provide important examples and inspiration for how we can overcome whatever it is that we need to overcome too.
At the same time, these perpetually positive messages of self-efficacy and empowerment come with a cost, one of the most damaging being the implication that we are meant to be happy all the time. If we aren’t, then we simply aren’t doing it right. After all, if we have the choice to be happy and successful, and we are not currently happy or successful, then it must be the result of a choice we are making. We have no one to blame but ourselves. This is too simplistic to be true, yet we buy into it, causing a greater sense of unhappiness and failure because we are apparently too weak or undisciplined to choose a better way. This is a dark and dangerous line of thinking and it is completely unnecessary.
PERPETUAL HAPPINESS
We are not meant or built to be happy about everything all the time. As human beings, we are created with the capacity for sadness, anger, disappointment, guilt and fear. These all benefit us in their own positive way. Attempting to deny or suppress these feelings is not only impossible but unwise. In appropriate amounts, these feelings serve us. Sadness helps us appreciate our blessings. Anger incites us to action. Disappointment allows us to shift our approach. Guilt teaches us who we do not want to be. Fear protects us. We are created to experience what it is to be fully human, and there are lessons to be found in each glorious, gut-wrenching component of it. We do ourselves an injustice by trying to plow through these valuable teachers on our quest to perpetual, unattainable happiness.
SUCCESS
In the same vein, mistakes and challenges in life should be expected and welcomed. We cannot learn and move forward without them as they are an inevitable part of the growth process. Rather than try to avoid them, as so many of us do, we are better served to expect them, acknowledge them and learn from them. Unfortunately, too many people in the public eye filter their messaging and share only the parts of their journeys they want us to see- the positive ones. The perpetually happy ones. These messages can make us think that we are doing something wrong because of the challenges we are facing, challenges that are seldom shared by others with the online world. These well-crafted messages may even convince us that we are not cut out for whatever it is we are trying to do. In an attempt to show us how wonderful life can be, these influencers too often project an image that is so unrealistic and so unattainable that it demotivates us and leaves us uninspired.
NEVER GIVE UP
Another type of platitude we frequently encounter centers around never giving up. This message, on its face, is a positive one. We need to believe in ourselves all the time and always do our best. But that does not mean we should keep investing in something that clearly has no chance of growth. Sometimes we should give up. Sometimes giving up on an idea is the best path for us. Not every idea we have is a good one. Not every decision we make will get us where we want to go. Where we want to go may shift over time. Holding onto messages of never giving up when what we are doing will never move us forward can cause a lot of damage. Whether it is a business we are trying to get off the ground or a relationship we are trying to resuscitate, sometimes the best course of action is to cut ties and move on.
ONE SIZE FITS ALL
Platitudes often speak to a very specific idea of happiness and success, but not everyone has the same goals. Some people are driven professionally while others are not. Some people are motivated by money while others are not. Some people want to find lasting love while others do not. Some people want to build a family while others do not. What you want is for you, and that is okay. Learning to be honest with yourself about what you really want is essential to your own personal fulfillment. Our paths are our own, and they will likely take different turns and lead us to different destinations than the self-help gurus we follow. Our process may take longer than theirs. We may encounter more obstacles than theirs. We may have fewer advantages than they do. It matters none. Our journeys are our own and we should expect nothing less.
CONDITIONAL HAPPINESS
Another dangerous platitude gives the message that we are not enough until… This message is far less explicit than the others but clear, nonetheless. These messages tell us that all we need to be happy is to buy a certain product, service or program. Most of us have been hearing these messages throughout our lives from advertising, media, friends, family and ourselves. We aren’t complete until… We can’t be happy unless… We deserve joy once we… This is a dangerous message because there is no end. If we are constantly chasing and believing that we are not worthy until we get there, we are setting ourselves up for a lifetime of pain. Instead, it is important to embrace that we are worthy and enough exactly as we are. Right this moment. Unconditionally.
SELF-EFFICACY
Finally, despite what many of these platitudes will have us believe, there is a great deal of life that is outside of our control. There’s just no getting around it. Sometimes these uncontrollable factors benefit us and other times they hurt us. Deeply. Sending the message that everything we do is completely in our control can further guilt us when bad things happen to us. The truth is, we haven’t earned all of blessings or caused all our troubles. We all have some level of capacity to make our lives better, but it is naïve to assume that we all face the same obstacles and experience the same circumstances. Some of us simply have more to overcome and we should not be made to feel bad or responsible for it.
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Your definition of joy and success is unique to you. How you will get there will be unique to you. The obstacles and milestones you will encounter will be unique to you. Do not let empty platitudes deprive you of fully experiencing a journey that is intended to be uniquely yours. Derive whatever inspiration and support you can from what others have to say and disregard the rest. Use your own words and your own experience to create inspiration and guidance for yourself. Expect struggle and triumph along the way and embrace them equally. Let who you are and who you strive to be shine through in your own unique way. Shine on and on and on…
