If You Want to Communicate Better, Learn a New Language

In the workplace, most of us communicate with a variety of people through a variety of methods with varying levels of success. In any given day, we may use email, text, memos, phone and in-person meetings to communicate with colleagues, supervisors, supervisees, board members, clients and partners. Being able to communicate effectively with different people in different situations is essential to the work we do- whatever that work may be- and challenging to say the least. Learning how to hone our communication skills is a delicate, complicated and individualized process that must be adjusted repeatedly to be effective. 

Communicating effectively is as much about understanding the way other people communicate as it is about understanding our own communication. A foundational component of this understanding is the awareness that communication comprises more than just style, preference and local vernacular. A central component of how people communicate is directly related to what motivates them and what their values are. These all combine to create a person’s own, nuanced language. If we are to communicate better and more effectively with others, then, we must learn their language. 

Learning to speak someone else’s language means learning what drives them and what they care about. It means using the terms and words they use. It means talking by phone if they prefer to talk by phone or meeting face to face if they respond best to that. It means, scheduling 15-minute meetings or 2 hour and 15-minute meetings depending on how the other person operates. It is a willingness to respect and respond to others in a way that makes communication easier and more effective with them.

When learning to communicate well with others, there are some important principles to keep in mind. Here are a few of the biggest:

BE PATIENT

Learning how to communicate and work well with someone takes time. There will be people we struggle to communicate with and others we will communicate with more naturally and easily, but even these relationships take time to fully sync. When working with someone for the first time, expect some growing pains as you get to know one another. As you work toward better communication, know that there will be bumps along the way and that there is nothing wrong with those bumps, provided they are handled professionally and respectfully. Invest time and energy into learning how to more effectively communicate with those around you.

BE QUICK

I’ve worked with children my entire career, and it amazes me how little our behavior differs from them as we become adults. Like children, when we meet people for the first time, we go through a process of figuring out- testing, as we call it with children- each other’s expectations and boundaries. Naturally, we will continue to communicate the way we do if we receive no opposition or reason not to. Other people behave the same way. If they say something we don’t like but we never let them know, they will continue saying it because they have no reason to believe it has upset us. Therefore, if someone says something that upsets you or communicates with you in a way that really throws you off, let them know as soon as it happens. That way, they (hopefully) won’t continue doing it. I had a staff once who always tried to finish my sentences (and never did so correctly!) I let her know that I realized she meant no harm but that it often made me lose my train of thought. She didn’t eliminate the behavior entirely, of course, but she did become aware of it and reduced it over time.

BE UPFRONT

Let people know how you prefer to communicate. If you prefer to talk by phone rather than email, let people know. If you prefer to respond to ideas rather than brainstorm them, let people know. I prefer to work with an agreed upon set of parameters before taking on a project, but one of my previous bosses didn’t. He couldn’t really articulate what he wanted ahead of time and preferred to see something in writing that he could respond to. This wasn’t a great match but it was the one I was given, so I did my best to work with it. To make these situations easier, it is important to be aware, honest and upfront about your communication preferences from the beginning so people can understand what language you speak and how to best communicate with you. Further, when you sense challenges with communication, don’t pretend they’re not happening. Instead, confront them head on. Address them and work on them. Bringing these challenges to light will be a relief to others as these challenges are rarely, if ever, a secret.

BE CURIOUS

True communication requires the intention and effort of both parties. It works best when both people try to understand the language of the other and adjust accordingly. When you are first meeting someone, particularly if it is someone you supervise, ask them directly about their communication preferences. In my first supervisory role, I had two staff who had two entirely different sets of needs and preferences. One wanted to chit chat at the beginning of each supervision session while the other wanted to get right down to business. One preferred to receive feedback in the moment while the other asked to receive feedback during our supervision time. It was my pleasure to accommodate and adjust to these reasonable requests. Whenever we are in the position to make someone’s life easier, who not take it?

BE FLEXIBLE

There is no one right way to communicate effectively with every single person as everyone brings with them a complex set of styles, beliefs, attitudes, idiosyncrasies, values and temperaments. Be flexible in adjusting the way you communicate based on the person with whom you are communicating. Be willing to work through the complexity of this, particularly when it comes to people whose communication style differs entirely from your own.

BE REALISTIC

Communicating effectively is hard and requires ongoing intention and effort. Even after several rounds of meta-communication, we may find ourselves having the same struggles with the same people over the same communication issues over and over again. We may ask people to communicate with us in a certain way and they won’t. We may encounter people who expect us to cater to their style but who are unwilling to cater to our own. We may work with people who intentionally withhold information or outright lie to us. We can only control our own actions and how we respond to those of others. Be realistic about what you expect from others and work with what you have. Most people are doing the best they can.

BE REFLECTIVE

Effectively speaking someone else’s language includes using similar terminology. I remember one argument I was having with someone where I shared that I was upset. In his reflection of our conversation, he said that he knew I was mad. “I’m not mad”, I said, getting increasingly- and ironically- angrier, “I’m upset!” Yes, he was just as confused as you probably are, but the point is, we can get in trouble sometimes by using our own words, particularly when they can mean something entirely different to someone else. Being raised in Boston, I did not grow up with Ma’am and Sir, but living in the South most of my adult life, I have taken on such terms when I witness others doing so. It was not a difficult adjustment to make and it connected me to my coworkers who may or may not have been offended had I chosen to do it my own way. Who knows, but why risk it?

BE CONSISTENT

Research has shown that employees prefer bosses who are consistently mean rather than those who are mean one day and kind the next. The reason is that consistency is comfortable and people know what to expect, even if what they are expecting isn’t ideal. Be as consistent- and not mean- as possible in the way you communicate. It is important, as you and those you work with try to speak each other’s language, that there be some level of predictability and expectation in place. If you start telling people one thing and exhibiting another, it is a true recipe for disaster.

BE INTENTIONAL

Speaking someone else’s language involves a lot more than style and vernacular. At its core, speaking someone else’s language involves speaking to what they care about and what their values are. I cannot tell you how much time and energy I have wasted fighting against this, trying fruitlessly to get other people to see things my way. When I finally learned to find common ground and work to get there based on the other person’s values and motivations, life became a whole lot easier. Do yourself a favor and don’t try to learn this the hard way. When you are working with someone else and want/need to get to an outcome, find out what that person cares about and speak that language. They might not yet understand yours.

Communication is a skill that supports and cradles all others. Even for the most gifted and natural communicators, honing this skill takes time, effort and intentionality. Be upfront with others about how they prefer to communicate and what your preferences are. Be patient with the process and address challenges along the way. Understand that communication is a complex combination of style, preference, values and beliefs and that, in order to be effective, you will need to adjust your communication based on the language of the person with whom you are communicating. Seeing the value and benefit in doing this is generally all the motivation you’ll need to keep at it.