As human beings, we are quick to assign meaning to why people do the things they do. When someone is late, we may assume they do not respect our time. When someone cuts us off in traffic, we might consider them rude and call them names I’m not comfortable typing here. When a friend says something hurtful, we may decide he is not a good friend. But the truth of the matter is, as human beings, we are pretty bad at understanding why people do the things they do. Perhaps the late person had a family emergency. Maybe the aggressive driver is racing to help someone in need. And that hurtful friend? Perhaps he thought what he was saying was actually kind. We can never really know, yet instead of asking, we frequently assume and assign meaning without any real basis for doing so. We are as guilty of this in the workplace as we are in our personal lives. I have been on both the giving and receiving end of such assumptions, and I’m honestly not sure which one feels worse.
When I Falsely Assumed
As a newly hired department director of three afterschool programs, I was surprised and disappointed that my staff was spending time in their offices while the students were in the centers. I made it clear early on in my reign that the staff needed to be with the kids at all times. It seemed like a reasonable request but some of the staff resisted, and as I continued to visit the centers, I continued to find the staff in their offices on their computers. So not only were they not running programs in the way that they should, they were ignoring my authority in the meantime. I’m not sure which one bothered me more, and once my ego got involved, it was hard to untangle it.
One day, on my way to a meeting I saw one of the centers coming back from an afternoon trip to the park. I was rushing and not in the best of moods, and upon quick surveillance, noticed that only two of the three staff members were with the students. I knew the third member was at work that day. Why wasn’t she with the kids?
The Assumptions I made
- The absent staff member was in her office on her computer
- The staff member was not doing her job
- The staff member wasn’t listening to me or respecting me.
What I Did
When I got back from my meeting (a meeting that did not go very well) I was in a bad space and I did what inexperienced managers across the land do- I fired off an email. I reminded the staff member that she needed to be with the students at all times and that if she continued to ignore this, we would have a more serious conversation regarding her performance. I was clear, I was stern, and I was wrong, on so many different levels.
Where I Went Wrong
Where should I begin? For starters, I addressed the situation when I was in an emotional moment and I let that emotion bleed all over that email. Secondly, I addressed the situation over email. Almost never the way to go. It is cowardly and common and a precursor for all kinds of problems, yet we continue to do it because we are cowardly or lazy or just not willing to do the right thing. Thirdly, I assumed that the staff member was not doing her job because she was not with the students as I told her she needed to be. Lastly, I made it about me and my authority and couldn’t get out of my own way.
What I Should Have Done
Asked her. Plain and simple. I should have waited until I was in a better space, and simply called or asked the staff member face to face- in a neutral way- why she wasn’t with her students. Had I done that, she would have explained that one of the students had gotten sick, and that she went back to the office with the student to take care of him. In other words, she did her job. Exactly as she should have. Only to have me accuse her of not doing her job because I made an assumption and the truth was the exact opposite.
Further, I found out that the reason the staff continued to spend time in their offices when the students were around was not because they were willfully insubordinate. The real reason was that they could not complete their paperwork otherwise. They were not being given the proper time and resources to complete their jobs and they did not feel comfortable telling me. I had created this environment yet I was blaming my staff for it. What a disaster.
Despite my apology- too late and too defensive to be a true apology, if I’m being honest- the damage was done. Our relationship never really recovered after that, and honestly, I’m not surprised. I showed this staff member that I did not trust her and nothing I did after that was able to change it.
Lessons Learned
In the spirit of honesty, I am cringing as I write this because I cannot believe how I handled that situation. But I chose to write this anyway in hopes that someone can learn from my mistake. Because the truth is, most of us continue to make assumptions often and incorrectly without thinking and with great consequence. The good news is, it’s really easy to stop doing this. Instead of guessing, supposing and declaring, all we need to do is ask people why they did or said what they did or said. When we inquire instead of accuse, people will feel safe to tell the truth. In many cases, the truth will not be anywhere close to the negative assumptions we’ve made. But even when the truth matches our negative assumptions, in spaces of trust, honesty and understanding, staff will be more comfortable owning up to their mistakes. So next time you find yourself concocting a reason why your staff said or did something, stop and take a moment to ask that staff member about it. And please, whenever possible don’t do it over email.
4 Responses
Great article Katherine. Simple, honest and always relevant. We all make assumptions that flares up emotions that are then a challenge to deal with, many times with guilt and contrition. Keep up the good work and sharing from your heart….you are not alone!
Thanks, Jennifer. It is too easy to jump to conclusions and more often than not, we have no basis for the conclusions we make. Far easier, and far less destructive to simply ask and go from there.