How to Discover What You Really Want

These questions may be cliché, and they may sound like every new coach’s landing page on their website, but there is a reason these questions come up as often as they do. The answers we give them will determine the entire course of our lives which is as true as it is dramatic. But this is only true, if we are being honest with our answers.

We often do these important questions- and as a result ourselves- an injustice by answering in kneejerk and surface-level ways. Many times, we say what we have been conditioned to say, what we have always said, without questioning if it is really true. When we were little, people constantly asked us what we wanted to be when we grew up, and even though they eventually stopped, most of us never truly stop asking ourselves. In order to discover the answer, we must give ourselves the freedom and the space to dig a little deeper. When we do, the answers may or may not match the ones we normally give. If they don’t, there could be several reasons why.

One of the first workshops I ever did was about developing a leadership mindset. As I was just starting out, I was nervous and spent countless hours preparing exactly what I wanted to say, the slides I wanted to present, the handouts I wanted to give, the clothing I was going to wear, the message I wanted to send, the breakfast I would make that day…every last detail. I wanted my workshop participants to walk out of my session inspired, motivated, changed. I wanted to ask important, life-changing questions and make a powerful impact on every person who chose to hear me speak. Each question was carefully crafted and delivered to illicit maximum effect.

After the session, one of the participants approached me, and I was sure she was going to tell me how powerful and life-changing my carefully crafted questions were. Instead, she commented on a question that I didn’t even remember asking. It had come out as I was posing another question, and I hadn’t given much thought to it at all. The question, simply, was, “are you sure you want to be a leader?”

I hadn’t included this as an intentional question because it seemed so basic and unnecessary. But that was the very question- the only question- that the participant approached me about and wanted to discuss further. It had hit her so powerfully, she explained, because she had never really thought about it. She went about her career, moving up every couple of years and during one such promotion, found herself in the position of supervising other people. She never questioned it or bothered to ask herself if that was a position she truly wanted. I have since learned, she is hardly alone.

After our exchange, I realized that my questions, while designed and self-designated to be profound, were not always so helpful to those I was asking, because most of us haven’t yet asked ourselves the foundational questions first. Although these are the questions that tend to be asked most often, we answer them quickly and comfortably. Sometimes we are afraid to admit what the real answer is. Other times, we don’t really know. Do you?

Recently I was working with a client who was an amazing public speaker, but like many people, was uncomfortable and insecure in front of others. As we explored why he was so uncomfortable, he shared that he did not want people talking about him if he did a bad job. He was so concerned about this, in fact, that he avoided opportunities that could benefit him out of fear of such gossip. This kind of fear is not relegated to public speaking, and unfortunately shows up everywhere. Many of us make calculated decisions to avoid what others will think or say. Sometimes these decisions are personal and sometimes they are professional, but they are never in our best interest.

For our growth, our health and our sanity, it is vital that we overcome our fear of other people’s judgment. We need to understand that other people’s opinions can only cause as much damage as we allow. That their words- perceived or otherwise- only have as much power as we are willing to give them.

Like my client, we concoct stories about what people will say about us and then conform to what we think will please them. The tragedy in this is severalfold. In addition to the real tragedy of denying who we truly are, the truth is that most people don’t pay us much mind at all. The gap between how much we believe people are talking about us and the reality is as wide as the day is long. Yet we convince ourselves that everyone is spending their time finding new and creative ways to pick us apart. They aren’t. Are you?

And even if people are talking about us, so what? How does that affect you? Why do you give their words so much more importance than your own? What damage can they really do? If they are the kind of people who talk about others behind their backs, how much respect and value do their words really hold? It is up to you to decide. You get to choose how much weight you give to other people’s opinions, and the real power comes from understanding that it is a choice. As you go about your days, you can choose not to care about what others think or you can choose to be in a constant state of worry about it. Guess which serves you better?

This is an important shift to make from the smallest to the most important questions we ask ourselves.

What do you really want? Who do you really want to be? What life do you really want to live? What are you willing to do to make it happen?

Ask yourself these questions and give yourself time to answer them. Take as much time as you need. Ask yourself over and over again. Work on formulating an honest answer, unfiltered and unbothered with what others may think or say. Pay attention to thoughts that you try to silence or censor. They are persistent, and they will never fully go away. Listen to any and all of what comes up for you. Sit longer and listen harder to the thoughts that aren’t quite so loud but whose presence you know is there. Write down what goes through your head. Filter what is true for you and what you are saying out of protection or fear.

Spend time on this and keep at it until you arrive at answers that speak to what you really want. Once you find them, you can begin to formulate a plan filled with all kinds of action steps and deadlines. But don’t rush to that part. Too often we rush to that part only to find out later that we are creating an action plan for a life we only pretend we want to live.

Take the time to discover what you really want. Then time the time to embrace it. To commit to it. To claim it. The rest of the work will come later. Do the important first step first. Ask yourselves the important questions and answer them honestly and without care for what others may think.

I can’t wait to see what you discover…