Feedback is vital to growth and success in the workplace. Staff are hungry for it and want their feedback to be clear and effective. In fact, 60% of employees- and 72% of those under 30! – want feedback on a daily or weekly basis, yet only 28% of people say they are receiving it. Although most managers recognize the value of feedback, most of them are not providing it. What is going on?
Like most of our challenges, fear is at the root. And when it comes to feedback, there is great fear. Fear at giving it, fear of receiving it, fear of the entire thing. Despite its clear importance, those who are charged with giving it often let this fear prevent them from doing so. Those who receive it often let fear prevent them from hearing and growing from it. This fear of feedback permeates cubicles across the country.
Part of the problem is, most people are pretty bad at feedback- both giving and receiving it. They do not invest the time to grow the skill so when they give feedback, it is clumsy, uncomfortable and ineffective. Additionally, most people are not used to receiving feedback so it catches them off guard and they react in ways that are defensive and dismissive. And because most people are not very good at it, they dread it and then they avoid it. This fear of feedback deprives them of a chance to get better at it.
But it does not have to be this way. Once we recognize what is going on, we can begin to make it better. Admitting that we have a fear of feedback and that we are not very good at it is an important first step. Deciding to do something about it is the next one.
Below are some common fears related to feedback and some strategies to start overcoming them.
THE MANAGER’S FEAR OF FEEDBACK
I don’t want to be mean- Many managers say that they avoid giving honest, critical feedback because it is mean. In an attempt to spare their staff’s feelings, they argue, they would rather avoid the subject altogether. But generally, at the heart of this is not necessarily a fear of being mean, but rather, a fear of confrontation and perceived conflict. These managers likely recognize it is their role to provide feedback and they probably see the value in it. They are just not used to nor prepared to be direct and honest. A lot of people are not direct and honest. The real irony here is that in an attempt to be kind, these managers are absconding their responsibility of helping their staff become the best professionals they can possibly be. Which ultimately is not very kind.
I want my staff to like me- For a lot of managers, being liked by their team is extremely important, and in some cases, it becomes more important than anything else. To be thought of as the cool boss, they manage their teams in ways that lack accountability and opportunity for true growth. They think that being funny and laissez-faire will make their teams happy. Initially it may, and with some staff this may be the ideal situation. But most staff want their time at work to be valuable and valued. Leadership that lacks vision, investment and challenge toward their employees will not create space for their staff to grow. It may make work easier, but it certainly will not make it more fulfilling and worthwhile. Staff who want to contribute and grow will not stick around long with management whose fear of feedback shows up like this.
I am unqualified- This is especially common with new managers who are not yet comfortable in their new roles. Some of this can be attributed to the natural discomfort with a new role, but unfortunately, many new (and not so new) managers are unqualified. With only 39% of new managers saying they received any management training whatsoever, far too many are thrown into the role unprepared. Further, managers supervising those who are older and/or with more experience can feel especially unqualified. These feelings are normal and natural, but they cannot be excuses. If you are like most managers who have not received the support they need, you need to advocate for yourself to get it. Find ways to get better even if it means doing it on your own and even if it means doing it at another organization. Why stay at a place that isn’t willing to invest in you and your success anyway? Being a manager means you need to confront your fear of feedback and learn how to give and receive it more effectively. There’s just no way around it. So, if you are not yet qualified, get yourself qualified.
I don’t know what to say- Giving and receiving feedback effectively requires a confidence, belief and mindset that feedback is important. But beyond the mindset, giving feedback is a skillset that includes techniques and best practices like with all skillsets. Not being good at feedback initially is normal and expected, but like with the example above, it cannot remain an excuse. As a manager, it is your role to learn how to do it better. Get training, ask your boss for their feedback, get a coach, read books, watch webinars, read my blog ????… there are endless resources out there. Use them.
I am insecure- This fear of feedback shows up in most of the examples above but is especially prominent in managers receiving feedback from the people they supervise. Many of these managers are quick to say that they have an open-door policy and that they are receptive to input, but managers who are insecure are quick to become defensive when their staff takes them up on their offer. Staff learn quickly that the invitation is an empty one and will not make the same mistake twice. They will stop giving feedback to their manager who in turn does not have to hear any feedback, so it feels like everybody wins. But it is an absolute loss. These managers never get better and remain ignorant of what others truly think. They have lost the trust of their staff which is challenging and sometimes impossible to recover. They have created an environment that lacks transparency, honesty and opportunity for growth. There’s nothing winning about that.
I feel too awkward- Personally and professionally, most people are not used to giving feedback to others. In our friendships, particularly among females, we appreciate acceptance and non-judgment. Professionally, truly open organizations with positive, effective cultures of feedback are the minority. Most of us simple are not used to giving or receivinf feedback. And like all things we are not used to, it can feel uncomfortable in the beginning. This is amplified when the person giving feedback is not yet competent and effective and amplified further still when the person receiving it is insecure. But the more you practice, the easier and more comfortable it becomes. We all have to start somewhere and where we start is far less important than where we end up. What’s that saying about all good things coming from outside of our comfort zones? Yeah, that one.
THE EMPLOYEE’S FEAR OF FEEDBACK
I feel judged- Just as managers are not initially used to giving feedback, employees are not initially used to receiving it. It can feel personal and as a result, many people act defensively. This type of fear of feedback makes them feel judged, and they can only hear criticism. They are not yet able to embrace that the feedback they are receiving is a gift and an opportunity to grow. That everyone starts somewhere, and no one should expect to be an expert in the beginning. That we all have blind spots and having someone to point those out to us is a wonderful opportunity. It is not judgment. It is one of the most powerful gifts we can receive. To get there, however, staff need time and experience to get comfortable with the process. In far too many cases, the first time employees react strongly to feedback, the manager backs off and stops giving it altogether. Everyone must work together through that initial discomfort to truly reap the benefits of strong, constructive feedback.
I am not good enough- One of the reasons people act defensively when they receive feedback is that they are not used to it, but perhaps more commonly it is that the feedback hits a little too close to home. Often when we are told that we need to improve something, it brings up criticism of days past, perhaps from a judgmental parent or an unsupportive spouse. Or perhaps we know the feedback is true and it makes us feel bad that we are not better than we are. Instead of viewing it is a starting point and an opportunity, this fear of feedback becomes personal, and we only hear that we are not good enough. We may secretly long to only hear the good things, but deep down we know that this really only feels good in the moment. Even the most self-delusional of us can only fool ourselves for so long. What truly builds confidence is feelings of success. Helping people get better will help them reach that success. But avoiding the opportunities to reach their full potential will never truly make anyone feel good enough.
I feel targeted- If managers are discreet (as they should be), staff are not aware what feedback other team members are receiving. As a result, it can feel like they are the only ones receiving such feedback and they may feel targeted as a result. As they see their colleagues doing what they perceive to be similar or worse than what they are doing, they may begin to feel resentful and attribute the feedback to their manager playing favorites or just not liking them. These things certainly happen, and in many cases will be true, but it is most certainly not always true. You will never know what other conversations are going on amongst your team, and you have no right to know. Your #1 job is becoming the best you that you can be and becoming the best you can be can only happen with others helping you grow. Let them help you grow.
I am insecure- As with insecurity related to giving feedback, there can be great insecurity in receiving it. This fear of feedback may show up as not feeling good enough or feeling targeted, or it may show up as not feeling secure about your job. Perhaps criticism triggers a fear in you that you may be terminated, and this brings up any number of anxieties for you. Unfortunately, there is legitimate concern that this feedback will affect your future as much of the feedback that is actually given is tied to performance reviews. A healthy feedback culture that permeates the organization would help to mitigate this. When people receive feedback throughout the year, it becomes normal and less scary. Environments that encourage risk and appreciate that learning and growth cannot happen without mistakes will use feedback as an opportunity to do it better the next time around- not a chance to chastise or punish. Letting staff know that feedback is a chance to grow together creates a culture of security that, while it can never guarantee long-term stability, it can at least lessen some of the fear around it.
I am afraid– Most of us have had an experience with the boss mentioned above who says he is open to feedback but truthfully is not. He is the type of manager that will punish staff when they give him feedback. This punishment can show up in all sorts of ways- from poor treatment to low scores on performance reviews all the way to firing. I do not want to imply that these fears are unfounded. In some cases, they are. So, what do you do about it? This is a professional decision you may have to make for yourself at some point in your career. If you are working for someone who is not supportive of your growth and not willing to invest in you, what will you do about it? Will you confront your manager directly? Talk to his boss? Look to switch departments or even organizations? How will you take ownership of your work experience and make it the most fulfilling one it can be for you?
I feel too awkward- Feedback conversations can be fruitful and impactful, but they can also be awkward and unproductive. This is exacerbated by a manager who is not confident nor competent in giving effective feedback. This energy is hard to overcome, and these discussions can become nothing short of painful. What can you take away from them anyway? Can you take some agency on your part and ask certain questions or otherwise positively contribute to the feedback discussions that are happening? Even if your manager is not strong yet in giving you what you need, how can you solicit it? Are there other people you can receive feedback from? Are you willing to take initiative to help foster your own growth? What are you willing to invest?
OVERCOMING THE FEAR
Learning the skills- Getting good at something is a fantastic way to overcome fear and build confidence. Like all skills, when it comes to giving feedback, there are specific techniques and mechanics to learn and master. Learning the steps and best practices of giving effective feedback will take some time, but it will not take much. The truth is, the steps and best practices are pretty clear and not that complex. Once you learn them, it is important that you implement them and do so consistently. All new skills take time to master and how long it will take you may be entirely different than how long it takes someone else. As long as you are committed to keep at it and keep improving, I am confident you will master the skills part of the feedback equation.
Accepting the role- As managers, it is our great privilege and responsibility to help our teams grow, and this cannot be done without learning how to effectively provide feedback. It also cannot be done if we do not truly believe in the importance and value of feedback. If you consider feedback as nothing more than one of many tasks on your list and one that you reluctantly do only because you have to, you will never be able to create an environment where it is valued and valuable. As the leader of your team, you set the tone, and if your tone implies or outright screams that feedback is not that important, you better believe your team will pick up on that. But the truth is, feedback is essential to people’s growth and, as a manager, it is inherent in your role. If you are absolutely paralyzed by feedback or determined that you just will not partake in it, I invite you to reconsider your desire to lead and to do so effectively.
On the receiving end, accept that feedback is essential for your growth. Commit to working through the discomfort and awkwardness with an understanding that it will all contribute to helping you get to where you want to go. Embrace your journey toward becoming the best professional and person you can be, and know that, even if it will not be as smooth as you may like, it will get you there all the same.
Appreciating the process- Normalizing processes can help us navigate them more effectively and confidently, and this includes the process of feedback. Understand that both the giving and receiving of feedback will feel awkward at first, but that it will get better. Like all things, getting better can only happen with time and practice, so it requires an understanding and an investment on your part to put in that time and practice. Also, are you taking any responsibility for what is happening or are you externalizing all of it? Are you wishing your boss were better at giving feedback, but not looking within to examine how you are contributing? Where are you in your own process? Are you open to receiving feedback? Do you have the confidence and skills to push back when you feel the feedback you are receiving is inaccurate or unfair? Are you able to honestly and fairly give feedback to others? Where are you on your journey? How can you and your manager work together to get better together?
Embracing where you are while focusing on your growth- Growth can only happen when we are honest with ourselves about where we are and clear about where we want to go. The great social work mantra is to meet people where they are, and this holds true for most things in life, including learning a new skill. If you are terrible at giving feedback, own it, and work toward getting better. If you are terrible at receiving feedback, own it and work toward getting better. Don’t beat yourself up for your starting point and do n0t get caught up in the time you lost not addressing the issue earlier. Be proud that you have chosen to make an investment in your own growth regardless of how long it has taken you. As you develop your plan and being to work toward it, don’t beat yourself up if your growth trajectory is slower than you would like. Everyone’s process is her own, and your plan will likely need to be adjusted along the way. Just keep moving forward and recognize the growth as it comes.
Getting feedback on your feedback- Very meta, I know, but you need a way to know how you are doing on your feedback journey. Come up with a clear plan about how you will monitor your growth. You can practice or role play with others inside or outside of the office and seek their feedback, but of course, you must choose someone who will be honest and whose opinion your respect. You can seek out training to continue to improve your skillset. You can read books, blogs, articles, watch webinars, listen to podcasts. You can do self assessments. You can work with a coach. But nothing is going to be as valuable as going straight to the source and seeking feedback directly from your team. Expecting complete honesty initially is unrealistic so ease them into it. Remember, they are still gauging if you can be trusted and if their honesty will end up working against them. Be patient with this process. Take the time to build trust and show your team that you really are open to feedback. As you continue to involve them in the process, you will receive great insight. Everyone will be a little different in their thoughts and opinions, and every team member may want you to do something a little bit different. Honor that. Although there are best practices for giving effective feedback, there is great space to cater that delivery in a way that best benefits the recipient.
Understanding the value- At the heart of all of this must be an appreciation of how valuable and vital feedback is to professional and personal growth. If you view it as a burdensome task that comes with the pay raise, you are setting yourself up for a tough road. If, on the other hand you recognize the immense value that feedback brings, it can make the process of getting proficient at it that much easier. As you begin that process, it may be helpful to personalize it and think about your own experience receiving feedback throughout your own career. Were there managers who were really strong at giving feedback and whom you can emulate? Were there managers who were really terrible at giving feedback and from whom you can learn what not to do? Where does your own fear of feedback come from? What lessons can you take with you as you work toward becoming a stronger manager who gives effective feedback?
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