Confrontation is difficult for most of us. When a challenging situation arises, most of us avoid confronting it, hoping it will magically go away on its own or that someone else might swoop in and take care of it. This rarely happens, of course, and the situation often gets worse as a result. In most cases, we would have been much better off confronting it in the first place. In most, cases, but not always.
When looking at different styles of confrontation, the five most common (with their most simplistic explanations) are:
- Competing- I want to win
- Accommodating- I’ll let you win
- Avoiding- I don’t want to deal with this
- Compromising- Let’s meet half way
- Collaborating- I want us both to win
Like most labels and categorizations, people often want to know which is the best, but like most labels and categorizations, it depends. When it comes to confrontation, there is a time and a place for each style, including avoiding. Although avoiding is often chosen out of fear, in the right situation under the right circumstances, it can actually be quite effective as a way to confront- or in this case not confront- certain situations.
It is true that most problems do not go away on their own, but it is also true that sometimes they do, or that they are not even big enough to warrant the designation of a problem and do not require addressing. Or maybe they do but that in the addressing, it will only make them worse. In some situations, the best solution is simply to ignore the problem. For example:
SMALL, ONE-TIME MISTAKES
Imagine you have an employee who is wonderful and always meets an expectation. One time, they fail to meet that expectation. Is it worth it to bring up that one time they do not? Perhaps it is about being on time or a meeting a deadline. Suppose it is a task that they complete effectively week after week and in this particular instance they make a mistake. Is it worth pointing out?
In most cases, I would argue, it is not necessary to address any of the above situations with an employee who is doing their job consistently and dropped the proverbial ball once or randomly here or there. If you do choose to address it, it may cause more harm than good, resulting in a breakdown in your relationship with that employee or feelings of frustration that they are being micromanaged or unappreciated. So think really hard before addressing small mistakes with any employee and especially those who rarely make those mistakes and when those mistakes do not matter much in the grand scheme of things.
ON FORMAL EVALUATIONS
It is important to be very intentional about what you put in writing on documents like employee evaluations. If a mistake is minor, a one-off, or has been addressed on previous evaluations, there is no need to continue documenting it especially on formal documents.
I can still remember an instance when I had one off-day at a college internship that I explained verbally when my supervisor asked me about it. She then proceeded to document it every chance she got. In an email to my professor. Then on my mid-term evaluation and then again on my final evaluation.
The infraction?
A day I showed up “not present” because I had received a letter from financial aid that morning stating- erroneously as it turned out- that I would not be receiving my financial aid that semester that would have forced me to drop out of school.
It was one day during the entire year that was addressed multiple times but they just could not help themselves from bringing up- and documenting- over and over again. Once it was addressed and it was clear that it was not going to happen again (which it didn’t) then the matter should have been closed and not discussed or documented again.
Situations that are documented carry a lot of symbolic importance whether they do in actuality or not. Mentally knowing something is written down and stored in a file (in actuality or not) can be significant to an employee so be really intentional about what you are capturing for others to see. Be generous in including praise and accomplishments and avoid including items that are one-off and atypical of an employee’s performance, particularly those that have already been documented on previous forms and addressed.
In the case of incidents that have not yet been discussed, formal evaluations are not the time or place for them to be discussed nor documented for the first time. These incidents should be ignored for the time being and left for a later time in is a less official capacity to discuss and, if need be, documented.
AFTER THE FACT
Often- very often- what we perceive to be infractions, mistakes, or performance issues are the result of miscommunication, misunderstanding, or lack of clarity. In many cases, the miscommunication, misunderstanding, or lack of clarity is on us. In these cases, it is important to understand why what has happened has happened – or why what hasn’t happened hasn’t happened- and own up to our role in that.
If our contribution caused the mishap, the focus should be on owning up to that and clarifying what the expectation is going forward rather than what we perceived to be the employee’s mistake. Rather than looking back and externally, instead, we should forward and internally at what needs to be done going forward now that the communication is (hopefully) more clear. The mistake on the employee’s part for all intents and purposes should be ignored and the focus should be on the cause and what needs to happen in the future.
Avoiding something that needs to be addressed is not an effective strategy for problem solving and decision making, but there are multiple instances when avoiding confrontation may be the best strategy for solving a problem or making a decision. The key difference is implementing the strategy intentionally rather than as a default and recognizing when something needs to be addressed and when it does not. Deciding what to address, when, and how is a delicate balance and will vary depending on the person, the situation, and the details of the situation. It is circumstantial, nuanced, and often only clear in hindsight. Like much of leadership, you need to make the best decision you can with the information you have at the time, and take the lessons you learn into the next situation.
